Transition: What's next after high school?

Two of my grandsons, the eldest two, are about to graduate from high school. Their parents are thinking about what the next steps will be for these boys, and I suspect the boys might be giving it some thought too. I like my position as grandmother, one who has a little distance from the momentous step these boys are about to take.

I do have some pretty strong opinions about the transition from high school to young adulthood. My ideas are based on watching my own 3 children make the transition and also come from witnessing the children of friends and family as well as hundreds of young people at Columbia College take this step.

I think kids need to embark on a growth inducing activity immediately after high school, in particular one that throws them out of their comfort zone into an environment that challenges them. The degree of challenge depends on the kid, but it should definitely push their edges, make them feel uncomfortable and confused and ultimately provide the space and support to develop effective decision making skills. In most cases, this involves moving to a new setting away from the home and family in which the child was raised.

Here are some of the things I've seen accomplish this transition effectively:

• going to a foreign country either as a student, a missionary, or a traveler,
• going into the military,
• doing service work, e.g. working in inner city schools or conversely wilderness areas, assisting in a disaster or poverty torn area, Ameri-Corps, California Conservation Corps, or other service directed group,
• getting a full time job,
• moving into an apartment or dormitory with roommates,
• getting married.
  

Notice that I don't include going to college in this list. While attending college might be part of any of these, the school experience is not fresh enough to give kids the PUSH they need at this time. There has to be an element of challenge and discomfort that comes from moving to a unique setting where they have to think and decide.

I recognize that the discomfort also hits the parents because they have to watch with a certain amount of hands off approach. It can be an incredibly scary time. At best, they have to offer moral support and maybe a little financial assistance, but the trick is getting out of the kid's way and letting him or her muddle through. In most cases, this takes about a year for something fairly dramatic to take place

Of course, there are a few for whom it will take many years because of developmental and or psychological differences, and there are many parents who stymie their kids by being too intrusive or directive which makes the passage take longer. And yes, there are kids who go wildly astray, driven by incomprehensible forces both internal and external. But a large majority of the kids I've watched make their way with only a few tumbles, scrapes, and bruises.

I don't think the "what" is as important as the "how." That's not to diminish the intensity of what parents feel as they try to guide an offspring toward the setting that will accomplish the most effective transition. There are probably several possibilities, but once launched, the work is to breathe while the young person learns to swim into adulthood.

It's as exciting and disconcerting as any other stage of parenting.

Yoga & Metaphor

Last Sunday, I went to a wonderful Yoga workshop by Rocky Heron, called "Journey into Bliss." The workshop focused on back bending poses which Rocky wanted us to look at as heart opening postures.

I've always been intrigued by the body/mind connection that is intrinsic to yoga, so I particularly like teachers who help me see how a pose is connected to the way that I think and/or hold my body. For instance, Rocky spoke about how much of our day is spent slouched forward with our shoulders curved so the chest cavity encircles our hearts. To bend backward is to open and expose the chest area and therefore the heart. Metaphorically the heart is the seat of emotional experience, so opening that area is to make ourselves vulnerable to feeling.

Back bends are my least favorite pose while I adore forward bends. It probably comes as no surprise then that I'm also much more comfortable with thought than I am with feeling. But I knew what the workshop was about, and I was willing-- in fact eager-- to expand my chest along with my interest and skill in these poses.

Rocky is a very fine teacher, moving the class gradually and expertly into deeper more expansive chest opening postures. I was really enjoying myself, and about 2/3 of the way through the class, I experienced one of those physically transcendent moments. My chest filled with fluid warmth and the room seemed bathed in sea green light. I felt a smile come to my lips. I knew that I had discovered the joy of backward bending poses. I left the class confident that I had a new relationship to chest expansion and perhaps even to emotional vulnerability.

This confidence glowed all the next day. When I dove into the pool for Masters swim practice, I was thinking about how I might apply chest expansion to swimming. About halfway through the workout, I crashed into another swimmer as she was pushing off the wall. Her head hit me full force in the sternum. The pain was excruciating. Somehow I finished the workout, showered, and drove home. But by then, breathing had become painful. Bending forward was nearly unbearable.

Now almost a week later, the injury is only about 50% improved, and I'm learning about chest expansion from a different point of view. To avoid pain, I have to keep my shoulders back and lead with my heart. Forward bends haven't been fun this past week. Pushing anything away from me (be it a wheelbarrow in the garden or the floor during chaturanga dandasana) is nearly impossible.

And so the metaphor of opening the heart invades my body in a deeply physical way. I wish I had listened more closely to how Rocky explained the Sanskrit word meaning bliss. I suspect it included the pain of my injured sternum as well as that of sea green euphoria.

Transformed

Do you ever have those days when the unexpected seems to transform your point of view?

I had one of those days yesterday. It started at Masters Swim practice when there was a substitute coach at the workout time I usually attend. Her style was totally different from the usual coach. In addition to the workout instructions, she gave very specific techniques to practice. WOW! It felt like the two techniques she suggested transformed my work out--making it more aerobic and powerful.

Then I went on a "Dearma date" with my 16-year-old grandson, Cody. I always let the kids choose what they want to do, and Cody's choices never cease to surprise me. For instance, he wanted to go to Perko's for lunch. This is not a restaurant that I frequent and according to his mom they never go there, so what's the appeal? He likes a particular burger they serve. And I had a Thai chicken salad that was absolutely delicious. The place was cool and not very busy at 2pm when we arrived, so it was a perfectly delightful and, for me, unique lunch spot.

Then we went to see the movie: "The Transformers: The Dark Side of the Moon." What a hoot! The movie is funny and the animation is fabulous. Cody and I shared a large popcorn and laughed and commented liberally as there were very few people in the theater. This is a movie I would not have normally seen, but I have to say I enjoyed all 2 hours and 37 minutes, something I surely didn't anticipate when Cody announced this was what he wanted to do. Another thing I liked was that we sat through the entire run of credits after the movie, something I ALWAYS do but was surprised to learn my grandson liked to do too.

The next unexpected thing was going to the final performance for Vacation Bible School at Chapel in the Pines. The plan was that I'd drop Cody off there so he could do the sound for the performance. I popped into the little chapel to get a Raleigh hug, and he encouraged me to stay for the show, so I did. What a blast! The theme was upbeat summer Caribbean, so there were lots of grass skirts and flowery shirts and plastic fruit. Brent Corson led the singing which was lively and joyous. The highlight of the evening, however, was the closing song. It was a partnered, hand-clapping affair which I did with Raleigh. The short verse was repeated 4 times at a rapidly accelerating pace. Glistening with perspiration, Raleigh and I hand-clapped and sang with joyous abandon.

My Friday was transformed by unexpected pleasures and I'm feeling pretty grateful.

Working with Dearma

This summer, I set a goal to have each of my grandkids come and work for me. I have tons of chores that need to be done, and I like working with someone. They like making money, and I like to think they enjoy spending time with me. I know I love time with them, especially one-on-one time when I get to hear from them without the distractions that accompany many of our encounters.

So I made a list of tasks that I thought were age and ability appropriate and went to work setting times for them to come. Lunch and a treat were part of the deal. Usually I took them to the deli to select what they wanted and then we went to freezer to choose ice cream or popsicles for dessert.

The first to come was Gianna. She helped me trim a 50 foot rosemary hedge. Gianna is methodical and always figures out the practicalities of a task. Based on her evaluation of the project, we used both hedge trimmers and hand held pruners and moved along steadily with her setting the pace.

Next came Clare and Mary Autumn. Three-year-old Clare organized drip system pieces by size, type, and color in the drawers a small parts cabinet. She also helped me plant rotten bananas in my rose garden. She loved that job, especially when the trowel turned up worms. Mary Autumn helped me clean and organize my potting yard cabinet. She cleaned pots, wiped down shelves, and put things back in the best of order. That cabinet has never looked so good.

Leon helped me build a rock retaining wall and a step into the side yard. While eating popsicles after completing the job, we discovered our shared love for bird watching. The kid has an incredible eye for sighting the smallest bird in a tree. We took a bunch of pictures.

Cody worked with Granddaddy to build a retaining wall and two sets of stairs in the side yard. It was hot, hard, dirty work but Cody hung in there and finished long after I had retreated to sitting in the shade. I now have a spot for a fruit tree and berry vine to be planted in the fall.

Taylor and Candice are window washers extraordinaire. Candice worked ahead of Taylor and I cleaning all the window sills and the cruddy tracks where the aluminum windows sit. We came behind washing windows, inside and out. Cindy meanwhile was working on cleaning the screens. This was a 6-hour job and there was not one complaint from these girls and plenty of giggles! And can I just say, Taylor voluntarily cleaned up inside after the job while I was putting things away outside.

Next came Athan who helped me trim the oleander, a monumental job that I have to do every summer after the bloom. High atop a ladder, Athan chatted away about the view and pruning decisions he was making, once commenting on how he was like his dad in his interest in pruning. Yep, this is true. The oleander have never looked so fine as when he finished.

Still to come are Kyle, Aliou, Huck, Nell, and Anna Mae. Also, Candice and I agreed that she is going to come twice. (She was saving for dance camp so she came along for Taylor's job.) I haven't mentioned August because he regularly works in Dearma's yard.

When people find out I have 14 grandkids, the first thing they often say is "How do you afford Christmas?" I must say the gifts I get from these kids far exceed what I give them.

(NOTE: I didn't get pictures of Gianna, Clare, or Mary Autumn and promised Taylor I wouldn't publish a picture of her as she didn't feel prepared for a photo shoot.)

Memory Month

I do believe that the month of May 2011 will go down in history as one of the busiest and most memorable. It was cram-packed with special events and family connections:

May 2- After 11 days of caring for her mom, Cindy came home, worried still but hopeful that her mom was returning to her strong, durable self.
May 3- I worked with Candice & Kyle on their end of the year writing samples and then had a pre-birthday visit with my dear friend, Trish.
May 5- Childcare at the Tippetts while JL went to a training for IEW--one of my longest days ever caring for her brood.
May 6- Grandparents day at Mother Lode Christian School where Taylor and classmates served brunch and I got to see her classroom and meet her teacher, Mrs. Briniger.
May 7- Fundraising pancake breakfast at Applebees for Cody's soccer team. Phone call to Nell to sing the Hooray Birthday song, followed by a trip to Mariposa where we planted veggies for Cindy's mom for Mother's Day.
May 8- Dixon family birthday, celebrating with Sabrina and Sandie, plus Mother's Day calls from my kids.
May 9- August did major yardwork at my place. Fred & Bonnie arrived to spend the night after a doctor visit in Sacramento where Bonnie got an excellent report. Started Masters Swim 101.
May 10- Birthday party at Culley's for me, Nell and John. Pizza party with the whole family!!!!
May 11- Huck's play with grade 1 students at Waldorf.
May 12- The gear shift on Cindy's truck broke and Raleigh was on the scene immediately to make repairs in under 10 minutes.
May 13- Huck's play again, this time with Cindy. Shopping trip to Modesto with Anna Mae (also paid of tax debt!!!)
May 14- Outing with Nell, Mary Autumn, Gianna, and Candice to Columbia (see previous post).
May 15- Buddhist workshop with Nancy Spence.
May 17- Anna Mae's graduation from 8th grade.
May 18- Dokasan with Nancy.
May 19- Open house at the Country School for Athan, Aliou, Leon & Mary Autumn.
May 20- Belated birthday dinner with Becky at Applebees
May 21- Kate Reid concert in Pioneer; fast drive back to Tuolumne County to see the last 20 minutes of Roller Derby. We missed Madam Ovary's 35 point jam :(
May 22- Lunch with Cindy's cousin Bobby and his wife at Diamondback. Anna Mae's confirmation at All Saints.
May 23- August does yardwork at my house.
May 24- Cody helps me spread bark at Culley's.
May 25- Mary Autumn's graduation from kindergarten. Writing group meeting in the evening.
May 26-30 Four day weekend--planting plants, painting door, setting up swamp cooler, watching movies & TV-- basically fun stuff at home :)

Oh, and I can proudly say that I went to Masters Swim 101 faithfully throughout the month and have almost mastered the butterfly stroke. And to top it off, I was selected as the winner of the free coffee at Day-O this morning.

June . . . here I come . . .

All in a Saturday

Can I just say that the following chain of events appeals to my sense of family-centeredness:

At 8am on Saturday morning, Uncle Raleigh met Uncle Michael in Twain Harte so that Cody, Kyle, and Candice could be transported to the Tippetts. Cody was going to work with Uncle Michael while Kyle hung out with Athan, Leon, and Aliou overseen by Aunt Jennie Lou and Clare. Dearma was going to pick up Candice later in the morning for a girl cousin outing.

On the way to Belleview Road, Aunt Andrea called Uncle Michael to say she wanted to go to to the Farmer's Market with Huck and wondered if he could pick up Nell on his way home for a visit at the Tippetts until Dearma arrived to collect the girls for the outing.

At 10:45, Dearma arrived at the Tippetts to get Nell, Mary Autumn, and Candice. She still needed to get Gianna at Little Red School house where she and Anna Mae were painting sets for the school play. Aunt Jennie Lou asked if Dearma could deliver Anna Mae's lunch which she had forgotten to take when she left earlier in the morning.

At 3 o'clock, while the girl cousins were eating ice cream after a picnic, stage ride, panning for gold, and rock climbing (see Facebook photos), Candice mentioned that she had overheard Uncle Raleigh tell Uncle Michael that he would pick her up at the Tippetts, so Dearma texted Aunt Jenny to confirm. After a few text messages and a phone call, Dearma agreed to take Candice to the Tippetts where she would get Kyle and Cody and meet Uncle Raleigh and Aunt Jenny somewhere between Sonora and Jamestown to deliver the children.

As Dearma and the girl cousins drove over Big Hill, a text came in from Aunt Andrea saying Huck had petered out on a bike ride and was laying in the grass at the bottom of Belleview Road. Could we pick up him and his bike?

After stopping for Huck, Dearma dropped off Huck and Nell and then took Mary Autumn and Gianna home where she picked up Kyle and Cody and left to meet Uncle Raleigh, Aunt Jenny, and Taylor at Willow Springs Market.

In my book, this is the gift of family all in a Saturday! (in keeping with Ann Voskamp's notion of 1000 Gifts.

In Training

I hesitate to say that I'm training for a triathlon when I have yet to run a mile nor is my bike in working order, so I'll just say that I'm seriously thinking about doing a triathlon next October.

Watching my daughter-in-law do a sprint triathlon last October instigated this thought. The event was exhilirating, and when I spotted a woman who had the number 63 on her leg, her age category, I began to think about participating in 2011.

I took preliminary steps in December by joining the gym and asking for the book The Slow Fat Triathlete as Christmas gift. Reading the book was motivating. I immediately bought a little blank calendar booklet to create a training guide. Here are the things I've done so far to get my body ready:

1.) To develop core strength, I go to yoga 4-5 times a week. This month I added a pilates class and just recently, I noticed a little indentation in my abs. Might they be the beginning of a 6-pack?
2) To build cardiovascular capacity, I have been going to aerobics classes at the gym 3-4 times a week.
3) Last week, I went to my first spin class. Whoa! That's one tough class. I'm hoping it will prep my for the bicycle which is definitely going to be the most challenging segment for me.
4) I am going to the track once a week where I walk/jogging to remind my body about running. It's eager, but I'm taking it easy. I also read the book Born to Run which really got my mind pointed toward the joy of running and planted some new ideas about shoes, among other things.
5) On Monday, I start Masters 101, a swim refresher course. Actually, I'm on the waiting list for the class, but I intend to show up and beg to get in.

I'm not ready to say I'm doing this yet, but I'm headed toward a triathlon. As soon as I get my bike fixed and go for the first ride, and right after I run one whole mile without stoppping, I will say I'm in training.